5 years
by Jaylefleur
Summary: It has been 5 years since Clarke has seen her friends. 5 years ago she packed her bags and left everyone she cared about after an event that changed everything. Now she is back trying to mend things, but none of them are how she remembers. Each carry their own baggage dealing with their new lives. Endgoal Clexa, AU
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys. Short disclaimer I do not own any of the characters. This is pure fiction in a regular world setting.

* * *

Knock knock knock.

_Ugh who the hell is here?_ Raven tried getting up the couch, with her head throbbing. Someone decided to knock at her door before 10 in the morning on a Saturday, which is a no go for her.

She finally got up opening the door.

"This better be good." She grumbled at the person in front of her, her throat closed up and she stood frozen at the door. In front of her was a blonde, a blonde she hasn't seen in 5 years.

"Hey Raven. I am sorry to just show up, but I need to uhm..." Clarke tried to ask her what she wanted too, but saw the shock, hate and anger in the face of her friend.

"What the fuck are you doing here? It's been 5 years, get out of here. I don't want to see you or have anything to do with you." Raven smashed the door closed in front of her. Sliding to the ground trying to control her breathing.

_She can't be here? What is she doing here? After all this time?_

* * *

Clarke starred at the closed door in front of her, putting her hand against it. A tear rolled down her cheek. She knew this wasn't going to be easy, seeing her best friend, well ex best friend after 5 years, but she was ready to come back. Ready to piece her life back together.

"Raven, please let me explain. I know I shouldn't just show up here, I tried to call and text you, but the number I have is not in use any more. Please Raven, I want to fix things. I know I fucked up, I know I don't deserve you or any one else, but I need to at least try." She pleaded to the closed brown door in front of her.

After a few minutes she didn't hear anything, she felt like She could hear soft cries from the other side, but nothing more. Clarke took out a piece of paper scribbled down her number and slid it through the door before leaving.

* * *

Raven picked up the piece of paper and saw the number. She knew Clarke wanted to reach out to her, but she couldn't, not after everyone she has lost 5 years ago. Normally after an eventful morning she would text her friend Octavia, but things haven't been the same. Nothing has and she didn't know how to deal with it. Everyone moved on, but her.

Getting up from the floor, with the paper still in her hand, she walked into her bathroom.

_God, I look awful._

She put some water on her face and looked at her reflection, she didn't recognize the person starring back at her. The person in front of her, her eyes were empty. There was no sparkle left in them any more. She turned around sick of her own face, walking to the kitchen and taking a bottle of vodka out of the freezer. She took a big sip, burning her throat.

_Screw her. _She threw the paper in the trash.

* * *

Clarke was standing in front of Ravens apartment building, looking up to the windows where her old friend lived. The face she was was not who she remembered. She didn't know what happened to her friends the last 5 years. All she knew was she had to leave and work on herself before ever coming back here. She knew she waited too long, but she couldn't face what happened and face any of them. She messed up and ran away.

"Well I guess I need to find another plan." Clarke mumbled to herself before getting her phone out. She didn't know where the others were living, yet alone what they were doing.

She contemplated who too look up first. The person she really wanted to talk too, was the one she was most afraid off. Raven was the only person she thought would give her a minute to talk, but she was wrong. Now only Octavia was left. After a few quick swipes and typing she found out where Octavia was working. It seemed like she had her own gym and a smile crossed her face. Her friend was always active and she was happy she got to do what she wanted.

The place wasn't far from her and her mind wondered of her two best friends ever hung out. They must have.

After a few minutes walking, well half an hour because Clarke was lost in her thoughts she stood in front of the gym 'Blake'. She smiled at the simple name remembering how they used to make up names for the businesses they wanted to own.

"Welcome to Blake's. How may I assist you?" a friendly fit girl greeted Clarke as she walked in.

"Hello, I was wondering is Octavia Blake working today?" She asked the girl, her nerves showing a little.

"One moment, could you give me your name?"

"Uh yeah sure, Clarke." She didn't know if she should use her name, but she didn't want to lie any more.

"Thank you so much Clarke. One moment I will let Ms. Blake know you are here."

Clarke nodded at the woman and turned around looking at the parts of the gym she could see.

"Good moring Ms. Blake. I am sorry to disturb you, I have a Clarke here who would like to speak to you... Yes of course I will let her know."

"Ms. Blake said she will uhm, come down if hell freezes over." The girl said looking terrified.

"Ugh seriously. Thank you for letting me know." Clarke said and walked out of the gym. She looked around and saw a coffee shop across the street.

_Well if she doesn't want to see me, I will just wait._

* * *

Octavia was watching from her window on the second floor. She could see the blonde walking to the coffee shop and knew she was going to wait there. She had no interest talking to Clarke and never wanted to see her again. She wandered if she was the first person to come see or if she went to Raven instead.

She held her phone in her hand contemplating if reaching out to Raven was smart. Octavia knew Raven has been spiralling out of control for 5 years now. Knew her friend was getting lost and she didn't know how to handle it.

In the first year she tried her best to help out, but Raven pushed everyone away. No one was getting through to her and with each passing day more and more information came up. None of the three women knew how to deal with the bits and pieces they knew. They could all see how it tore them apart. How the blonde leaving was the start of the end of their friendship.

Octavia went through her contacts and saw Ravens name. Before changing her mind she dialled the number, knowing this was her best shoot at getting an answer.

After four rings she was about to hang up, when a voice she hasn't heard in awhile answered.

"What?"

"Sorry Raven to call. I know we barley talk, but I saw Clarke and..."

"Yeah she was here."

"Wait she was. I am sorry I wanted to warn you, but I guess she went to you first."

"I closed the door in her face in case you were wondering."

"Okay, yeah I didn't talk to her either."

"Do you want something else Blake?

"No that was it. I am sorry Raven."

"Save it. Bye."

Octavia looked at her phone Raven wasn't the same any more, none of them were.

* * *

"Two coffees for Bell?" The woman yelled from the counter.

Bellamy got up and took his coffee smiling at the girl giving her the money and leaving. He was about to go through the door when he saw her. The blonde he saw as a sister. The one he would have done anything for. The one who left.

Looking around he was trying to find a way out of the place, but he had to pass her.

Well I will just bite the bullet.

He walked over to the blonde. She hasn't noticed him. He sat down next to her startling her.

"Hey Griffin."

The shock on Clarkes face was visible. She looked at her old friend and had no idea what she was supposed to say.

"You know it is not nice to not say Hello or something like that."

"I am sorry, I just didn't expect to see you Bellamy."

"Even though you are sitting in front of my sisters place?" He smiled at her, he knew he made her uncomfortable.

"Yes sorry. I just..."

"Came back and made things worse again?"

"What no, I just want to talk to them. I need to explain."

"Clarke, I don't know everything that happened back then. What I do know is that none of them are the same any more. Things have changed, people moved on. You can't just be here."

"I know that Bellamy, but I need to talk to them. Explain my side of the story."

"No you don't. Leave them alone Clarke. The last five years have been hard for everyone. You can't just barge back in. I won't let you."

"Bellamy please. I just need to talk to them for a few minutes." Clarke pleaded to him.

"No Clarke. Leave them alone." He got up and walked away from Clarke shaking his head.

Clarke watched him leave. She knew he was right, that with being here old wounds would open up again, but she had to speak to them.

Instead of waiting for Octavia she got up, she didn't want to be caught by Bellamy again. He would stay around for a while making sure she left his sister alone.

Walking through the park she sat down at her favourite bench. Even after 5 years nothing has changed here. The only changes in the park are the seasons, maybe a few more plants, or less depending how you look at it. She traced her finger over the bench board. She felt the initials with her fingers. C and L.

_Lexa._

* * *

Authors note:

Hey guys. Welcome to my first Clexa story. Yes, no Lexa in this chapter but she will come up in the next one. This story has been in my head for awhile now. I do hope you enjoyed the first chapter. More will come, knowing me I won't update regularly just how I feel and manage with writing. Please be gentle with mistakes and what not. I am aware my writing isn't the best :)


	2. Chapter 2

Lexa was sitting in her apartment having a cup of coffee. The week has been long and stressful. She was happy to have a relaxing Saturday at home.

"Morning babe." A woman's voice said behind her.

"Morning beautiful. Coffee?"

The woman nodded and walked over to Lexa giving her a quick kiss. Lexa smiled into the kiss and handed her girlfriend a fresh cup of coffee.

"Thanks babe. What are you plans today?"

"Nothing much really. I just want to relax and spend time with you." Lexa smiled at her.

The sat in silence drinking their coffee and looking at their phones. This was their daily routine. Neither minded the comfortable silence between them. Lexa has been dating Costia for two years now, last year they finally moved in together not seeing why they shouldn't try living together. The results have been wonderful for Lexa.

She was with a woman who loved her for who she is. Who tried her best to understand her girlfriend knowing she has been through a lot.

"Maybe we can go to the lake? Weather is good and I want to spend some time outside." Lexa asked Costia.

"Oh you know I love the lake. Any chance to see you half naked and wet is my goal." She smirked and received a laugh from her girlfriend.

After getting their things together and some snacks they made their way to the front door. Costia open the door just to jump back and hold her hand over her heart. Lexa looked at her and at the person infront of them.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with her brow up, not liking this turn of events.

"Sorry, but we need to talk."

"Since when?"

"Lexa I know we haven't spoken a lot and I said some harsh things, but I do feel like you deserve to know."

"Know what Bellamy?"

"She is back." He said looking at them.

Lexas face drained of all colour holding on to her girlfriend, who had a small idea what the man meant.

"You want to come in Bellamy?" Costia asked looking at Lexa and dragging her back in. Bellamy followed the two women.

They sat down in the living room not saying a word. Lexa was trying to control her breathing. If Clarke was back, this was not going to be a good day.

"So uhm sorry for interrupting you guys. I know we haven't been on best terms but I saw her at the coffee shop across of Octavias and..."

"Wait did she speak to Octavia? Is she okay?" Lexa finally asked, which made Bellamy smile. Even though their friendship is strained Lexa still cared for her sister and he knew it was a right choice coming here.

"Octavia didn't speak to her, told her through her assistance she will only speak to her 'When hell freezes over'." Bellamy smiled recalling the conversation he had with her after storming into her office.

"Of course she did." Costa said holding her girlfriends hand.

"But what is Clarke doing back here? Why now?" Lexa asked.

"I don't know. All I know is that she went to Ravens first and Raven slammed the door shut."

After hearing Ravens name both women looked at each other having a quick conversation with each other.

"Well then let's go see Raven." Lexa said.

Bellamy shook his head "You really think that is a good idea? I mean Raven has been not doing so well."

"I know, that is why I gotta see her. I know you and me have never been best of friends, but you were there for all of us, Raven needs us, even if she doesn't want us around."

"I know she does Lexa. It's just the last time I saw her, she punched me in the face."

"Wait she did what?"

"Don't worry guys, I deserved it. I might have had a little to drink and she was at the bar and I might have said she needs to move on and realize what a dick Finn was."

"Yep that will cause her to punch you."

"Not my best moment, but I couldn't take her being so angry and sad any more."

Lexa nodded and got up.

"Thanks Bellamy for coming here and letting me know. Now if I do run into her I won't be blind sided."

Bellamy smiled at her and left the apartment. Costia looked at her girlfriend.

"Are you sure you want to go see Raven?"

"I am. Seeing Clarke must have triggered her. I honestly do not want a repeat from a few years ago."

"And are you okay, with Clarke being back? I know you don't talk much about her, but I know she meant a lot to you."

"She did, but things are different now. Too much has happened. You know?" Lexa looked at her.

Costia nodded leaned forward and kissed her. She grabbed her hand pulled her off the couch and they made their way to their new destination.

* * *

Raven was sitting on her couch, she hasn't moved up since Clarke was here. She kept drinking trying to ignore the heartache she was feeling. She didn't want to feel any more. Knowing Clarke went to see Octavia got her mad. She hasn't spoken to Octavia in a few months, only to be reunited over the blonde.

She wondered if Clarke went to Lexa too, trying to take her down with her again. After 5 years of not hearing from her, having her in front of her triggered something within her. She couldn't get the events out of her head.

The screams, the bright light, the hospital smell. Seeing two of the most important people in her life fighting for their lives. Octavia and Lexa next to her each holding onto one another. Trying to be strong for the other, while falling apart on the inside.

The news about the crash coming from the TV before her. Three vehicles on top of each other. One person already dead, the other three fighting for their lives.

Raven didn't hear the knocking or the yelling coming from her door.

"Raven open up. I know you are in there." Lexa yelled from the other side.

She blinked in surprise not knowing how to handle Lexa. She got up from the couch and opened the door.

"Bellamy told me she is back and came to see you."

"Bellamy already knew?" Raven asked in suprise.

Lexa nodded "Yes, he saw her by Octavias and went to her."

Raven slumbed back into the couch waiting for Lexa to come in.

"Your girl not with you?"

"Oh she came with me, but decided to walk around a little. Giving us some alone time." Lexa said sitting next to her eyeing the bottle of alcohol on the table.

"Don't judge. I don't need more of that."

"I am not here to judge you Raven. I am here because I am worried."

"Don't be. I am cool as a cucumber." Raven chuckled to herself trying to hide the suprise that Lexa still cared.

"I heard you punched Bellamy."

"Oh yeah he deserved it. If you want to also get punched don't worry, I am sure I can make it happen."

"No thank you. I know you don't want to talk, but just know we are still here for you."

Raven looked at Lexa, she saw she meant it in her eyes.

"I know. I just, I don't even know any more."

"It's okay. We both lost a lot back then, it still hurts. You know what though. We got through it. We lost more then any of us could have imagined yet we are still alive. I will leave you alone now, but Raven if you need something just tell me." Lexa got up and squeezed Ravens shoulder.

She was walking toward the door when Raven mumbled at something.

"Thanks Lexa, I appreciate it." Lexa didn't turn around just smiled and put her hand up.

* * *

Clarke woke up to the loud noise of her alarm. She looked around trying to get her bearings, she was in the Hotel room she purchased the night before. She didn't want to go to her mothers yet, not after her run in with Bellamy and Raven.

She took a shower and left the Hotel checking out. Today she had to go see her mother. Maybe the woman won't yell at her again or tell her how she messed up her life. Maybe after not seeing each other for 5 years some of her mothers anger has become less and she is willing to talk normally again. They have spoken on the phone in the beginning there was a lto of yelling, now it was just quick check ups trying to see how the other person is doing.

Clarke stood in front of the house she grew up in. The outside hasn't changed at all, there was still the front yard with various flowers, which Clarke planted before leaving. The big tree next to the door has been trimmed but still looked perfect. She slowly walked towards the front door, bracing herself for what was to come. She rang the doorbell.

A woman with grey hair opened the door, shock clearly written on her face.

"Clarke? Oh my god Clarke!" Abby stepped forward touching her daughters face.

Clarke wrapped her arms around her mother crying loudly.

"I am so sorry mom. I am so sorry for everything." She whispered to her mother.

"Come on Clarke, let's go inside."

Together they walked inside the house, into the unbeknown how their mother daughter relationship will be.

* * *

Authors note:

Thanks for reading. First thank you for the AU tip, I totally spaced on that one. Second the first chapter got a small edit with breaks, they didn't transfer from my actual chapter. Hopefully makes it more visible. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the second chapter :)


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke looked around the house while following her mother. The inside looked completely different, nothing like she last saw it. A lot changed these 5 years.

Her mother sat down on the couch gesturing Clarke to follow her.

"You know I am happy you are back Clarke, but why now?"

"I think everyone is asking that mom. I needed to come back, I need to apologize."

"Clarke look at me. I am not happy with how things went and honestly it has taken a lot of work on my part to deal with the events that drove you away. I just wish you would have stayed."

"How mom? You were so angry. We couldn't stay in the same room without fighting."

"I know, I didn't understand what was going on. After you woke up in the hospital everything changed. Even before that, but I didn't notice. You used to tell me everything Clarke." Her mother was shaking her head, trying to stay calm.

"How was I supposed to tell you mom? I couldn't tell you." Clarke said with tears running down her face.

Abby put her hand on her daughters knee and squeezed it.

"It's okay Clarke. You are my daughter and that will not change. We don't even have to talk about it. Will you stay this time?"

"Yes mom. I want to stay, I need to fix everything I have broken. I am so sorry for disappointing you." Clarke burrowed her face into her mother and cried.

After all these years she was back with her mother, the person she trusted the most. The first one she pushed away. Abby smiled holding her child, this is where she belonged.

* * *

Clarke walked up the stairs to her room. She saw many pictures were missing on her way up. She saw one with her father, but the ones with her friends where gone. She wondered if her mother took them down, or if someone else did this.

She slowly opened her room, surprised it hasn't changed. Everything was still in its right place, once again pictures were missing. She didn't know why, when she left she didn't take the pictures down. After her short talk with her mother she was exhausted and fell into her bed, closing her eyes.

"Clarke are you awake?" Abby walked into the room looking at her daughter.

"Hmm not really."

"Sorry that I am waking you up. I just wanted to know if you would like to join me for dinner."

"Sure mom, Hey mom what happened with the pictures?"

"Hmm Lexa came a few months after you left and took them down. She didn't say anything, just took them down and left."

Clarke nodded trying to hide the tears in her eyes. Lexa, she took the pictures down.

"She must hate me."

"I don't know Clarke. Go talk to her maybe?"

"No way, Raven slammed the door in my face, Octavia refused to see me and Bellamy told me to stay away."

"They will come around Clarke. You and I have to work on some stuff too, but I love you, and they love you." She hugged her daughter and left.

Abby didn't know how to deal with the return of her child. Part of her was happy to have her only child back, the other was wary why she really came back. She said many hateful things to her daughter before she left, even felt relieved. She couldn't look at Clarke any more, she didn't recognize her any more.

The girl now before her, was broken and lost. She wanted her kind daughter back, so she would try to mend everything and hopefully one day hear the whole story.

* * *

Octavia was sitting at her favourite bar with a cocktail in her hand. It has been a week now since Clarke was back and she didn't try to contact her again. On one side she was happy, on the other she was angry. She never thought one person could rip apart her friend group. She thought they would get through anything.

She kept looking at her phone waiting to see if she will get stood up or not. She was surprised when Raven texted her last night asking to talk. She was ready to drive to Ravens, but knew the girl didn't want to be alone. A bar seemed like the best place, even though it was also the dumbest.

"Hey O, long time no see."

"Raven! You scared me, don't sneak up on people."

"Sorry, my bad. Is this seat taken?" Raven pointed to the empty chair next to her. Octavia shook her head.

"Thanks for meeting me O and for meeting me here."

"Of course Raven. Anything for you."

Raven ordered two shots and two beers downing them within seconds. She needed some liquid courage to talk, otherwise she will turn around and leave.

"You remember when it was the four of us, sitting here, drinking and talking?"

"Of course. We didn't know anything back then."

"No we didn't. I really thought they would get together."

"Me too, but they didn't."

"She came to see me, you know."

"Who Clarke, again?"

"No, Lexa. After you called last week. She barged into my place."

"What did she want?" Octavia asked wondering why Lexa hasn't reached out to her.

"I don't even remember. She seemed happy. She was worried about me."

"We all are Raven."

"I know O. The last 5 years have been horrible. Finn dying, Clarke leaving..."

"Clarke being a bitch and backstabber."

"Yeah that too. Finding Lexa. It was all to much O."

"I know Raven, I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. My own anger and hurt stopped me from going to you."

"Well after I threw the glass at you I don't blame you. I just wish Clarke wouldn't have come back."

"Same, but she is the reason why you are here now." Octavia said and smiled at Raven who just turned her head away.

"Maybe, or seeing Lexa happy. I haven't seen her like this in a long time."

"I don't think anyone has. That Costia girl must really be doing something right."

"Yeah I guess. Hey O, do you think I can be happy again?"

"Of course dude. You just have to let someone in again."

"I know, maybe I am finally ready." Raven said drinking another beer.

Octavia put her hand on her friends shoulder and smiled at her. One person destroyed their group, but maybe that person can also mend it.

* * *

Lexa and Costia were sitting on their couch enjoying their Sunday afternoon. On Sundays neither of them had to work and they were able to spend time together. Costia was a manager in a restaurant and an amazing cook, which just earns her extra points in Lexas book.

Lexa on the other hand has been struggling with finding a stable enough job. The last few years she worked at several different bars and restaurants, but none of them were what she really wanted to do. She didn't even know what her dream job was. Her current job was as a photographer. Something easier then working with drunks or high maintenance guests. Through her pictures she was able to deal with aspects in her life. Costia was the first person to get through to her. With a lot of patience and love Lexa was able to move on from the broken heart she had.

"Lex what do you want to do today?" Costia asked her girlfriend.

"Nothing honestly, I just want to relax with my girl on this couch and do nothing." Costia laughed and kissed.

"Well that can be arranged."

* * *

Lexa tried to reach for her phone, while Costia kissed down her front.

"Really babe? Just ignore it. We are doing something way better now."

"Just one sec Costia, maybe it's important." Costia groaned and rolled of her girlfriend putting on her shirt again.

Lexa smiled and picked up her phone, without even looking who was calling she answered.

"This better be good."

"Uh Lexa, its Octavia."

"Octavia?"

"Yea, so uhm sorry to call you, but I need your help. It's Raven."

Lexa jumped up and grabbed her discarded clothes.

"What happened, what do you need?"

"I just need you to come to hers. She is going through withdrawl."

"Withdrawl? What do you mean?" Costia looked at her girlfriend confused, who looked just as confused.

"She decided to change her life. So she hasn't had a drink in a day, and she is crashing. Please Lexa I don't know what to do." Octavia begged her sounding scared.

"On my way. 5 minutes Octavia. Give her water some bread."

Lexa hung up the phone and looked at Costia.

"She is trying to stop drinking Cos. Without any help I think."

"Go babe. Let me know if you need anything. They need you."

She rushed out of the house, keys in her hand driving towards her friend, who needed her help.

* * *

Raven was lying in her bed, shivering hiding under covers. Octavia was sitting next to her not knowing what to do. An hour ago she got a call from Raven crying and sobbing into the phone and she dropped everything to come too her. She smiled because Lexa was doing the same thing for Raven. Just like Raven did 5 years ago for Lexa.

She heard the knock on the door and rushed to open it, just to find Lexa standing there frazzled with her shirt the wrong way on. She wanted to comment but there were more important issues right now.

"How is she?"

"I don't even know. She has been throwing up, crying, shivering. I don't know what to do."

"Okay let's look at her. Did she eat at all? Drink?"

"No and some water."

They walked into the bedroom, seeing Raven on her bed staring at her ceiling. Lexa put her hand on Ravens head and smiled at her.

"I am really proud of you Raven." The girl just looked at her with a weak smile, before jumping up and crying out in pain.

It felt like her insides were being ripped out of her body. Her head was aching like a truck went over it repeatedly. She didn't know if this was still a good idea, to stop drinking, this pain was too much to take. She tried to get up but was stopped by someone, actually by two people. She knew Octavia was here, but didn't realize someone else was there.

"Hey there Raven, relax. What do you need?" Lexa asked her.

"A drink. I can't do this."

"Yes you can and no drink for you."

Raven wanted to protest but she felt light headed and crashed back on her bed. She feel into blackness, she didn't feel anything any more. All she heard was shuffling and yelling around her, but she couldn't make out the words. She let herself fall into the darkness.

"Raven wake up, come on." Octavia was shaking her, trying to wake her up.

"Okay that's it. We are bringing her to a hospital. This is not working, the withdraw is too strong. She needs help, medical help." Lexa stated and picked Raven up.

"No Lexa, she can do this, we can do this." Octavia pleaded with her.

"We can't. Get my keys we are taking my car." Lexa nearly yelled at Octavia.

Lexa put Raven in her car, motioning to Octavia to sit in the back with her. She got to the front and started driving.

* * *

The second they got to the closest hospital Lexa opened the door yelling to the emergency team they need help. Before Octavia could even get out of the car, two men grabbed Raven and carried her inside. Both of the woman walked quickly behind them answering their questions.

"What happened to her?" One of the men asked.

"She decided to quit drinking. She is in withdrawl." Octavia said, the men nodded and put Raven on a bed. A doctor rushed to their side, injecting Raven with some liquid.

"Keep her hydrated, give her pain meds. Now guys." The doctor yelled at her staff.

Lexa and Octavia both stood frozen staring at the doctor in front of them.

"Ms. Griffin?" Octavia said quietly.

"Octavia? Lexa?" Abby Griffin said in shock only now realizing who the person on the bed was.

"Oh Raven what happened to you?" she asked stroking the girls hair.

* * *

Authors note: Thanks for reading. Next chapter will have Clarke facing them.


	4. Chapter 4

Raven woke up in a white room, the ceiling didn't look like hers. She didn't know where she was and started to freak out. She heard the rapid beeping next to her, within a second someone stood beside her holding her hand.

"Raven it's okay. You are safe." The voice next to her said. She turned her head to see Lexa standing next to her, with Octavia right behind them.

She tried to talk, but her throat was hurting.

"Shh don't try to talk. Try to breathe slowly." Octavia said.

This is when she noticed something was in her throat, she started to freak out again, when a nurse rushed in.

"Ms. Reyes please try to relax we will take the tube out now. Just breathe."

Raven did as told and felt something being pulled out of her throat. She tried to move more but couldn't. Her body wasn't responding. She wanted to talk but still couldn't.

"Raven please relax. You have been in a medical coma for a few days now. We had to put you through rapid detox. We tried with you being awake, but you kept screaming and passing out." The doctor next to her said.

She knew the voice, it was so familiar, but she couldn't place it.

"Please keep her calm. The nurse will bring some ice chips. The drip is keeping her hydrated and giving her some nutrition. Hopefully later in the day she can have some solid food, but for now she needs to relax."

"Thanks Ms. Griffin." Lexa said still looking at Raven stroking her hair.

* * *

"Hey Clarke, I wanted to let you know Raven is awake." Abby said into her phone. She knew she was breaking several laws, but her daughter got her to talk after a few glasses of wine several nights ago, worrying why her mother has been so stressed and worried.

"Thank god. Will she be okay?"

"Yes she will be fine. Now she will have to work every day to stay sober."

"I never thought this would happen to her. I should go see her."

"Clarke, I don't think that is the best idea. She needs rest and seeing you will most likely stress her."

"But mom, she is, was, my friend. I should be there for her." Clarke pleaded

"Clarke I cannot stop you from seeing her. I just want to make it clear to you that this is not a good idea." Abby said and hung up. She couldn't tell Clarke that Lexa and Octavia where there. She wanted her daughter to be happy again, but she didn't want those three girls hurt again.

She saw what happened when Clarke left. How they all fell some harder then others. Saw the pain in their eyes. When lexa walk into her house to take the pictures she tried to reason with her, but Lexa didn't care. She only said that the pictures were lies and left.

For two weeks Clarke has been back at the House. They were trying to mend their relationship, but it was difficult. They both had resentment left and anger. She saw how her daughter was, she saw how broken she was. She also saw this in the three women upstairs in the Hospital. None of them truly moved on, they each carried baggage with them.

* * *

Clarke was pacing up the street in front of the Hospital. She knew she shouldn't be there, but she had to see Raven. She had to explain what happened, they needed to know her story. Not the bits and pieces that came up.

This was the hospital where everything changed. Where she nearly died, where Finn did die. Where the world she knew collapsed and she was left with regret, hate and sadness

She wanted to go inside, but she was scared. She didn't know how Raven will react, yet alone the memories this place holds. She wanted to laugh at herself for getting emotional about a hospital.

"What do you think you are doing here Clarke?" A voice came from behind her making her jump. She turned around to see the one person she was most afraid off.

"Lexa.." She whispered to herself.

"Get out of here."

"No, I need to see Raven."

"I don't give a damn what you need Clarke. Leave now."

"Please Lexa. Let me explain."

"No, I don't want to hear it Clarke. You left, just like that. Whatever you want to say, save it."

"Please Lexa. I know I messed up, but I have to apologize."

"For what Clarke?! For sleeping with your best friends boyfriend or for telling me you are in love with me, kissing me and then running off to sleep with Finn?" Lexa was yelling at the blonde looking at her with hate and disgust.

"I am sorry. I was lost, I was scared, I was..."

"No Clarke, save it. I don't want to hear it. Just leave us alone."

"Lex, you coming?" A woman with brown hair was approaching Clarke and Lexa, looking worried. She heard her girlfriend yelling and knew this couldn't be good.

"Yes, sorry babe. Let's go." Lexa turned around without saying a word to Clarke. Taking the hand of the mystery woman in her own, pressing a quick kiss on her lips and walking into the hospital.

Clarke stood there stunned, tears running down her face.

_I messed up. I lost everything._

* * *

"Who was that Lex?"

"Clarke."

"No way. I am sorry babe."

"It's fine. I honestly thought I wouldn't have to see her ever again."

"I understand sweetheart. Come on, let's go see Raven." Costia said tugging her girlfriend along. She knew Lexa didn't want to discuss Clarke, ever.

Once they got into the hospital room, Raven was sitting up in her bed chatting with Octavia. Lexa smiled seeing them talking. She knew they had a lot of issues, but they were best friends and they will get through this.

"Hey you two, what happened with my ocffee?" Octavia asked, she sent them to get coffee a few minutes ago.

"Oh shit, sorry Octavia, we forgot." Costia said not wanting them to know what happened. Raven looked at both of them seeing they were hiding something.

"Spit it out you two. What happened?" She asked

Lexa looked uncomfortable, but knew she had to say something. She couldn't lie, lies is what tore them apart.

"Clarke, she was outside."

"Fuck sake, I am gonna punch her"

"O, don't." Raven said. Everyone turned around and looked at her surprised.

"I am not happy she is back, but let's face it, cause of her we are talking."

The girls nodded and moved on from the topic. Costia felt a little on the outside. She didn't know much about Clarke, and the things she did know just angered her. She just hoped one day Lexa would tell her what happened.

* * *

It has been a few days since Raven was in the hospital. She is now back home, on her bed relaxing. She went through her whole place with Octavia and they got rid of every drop of alcohol. Raven could do this, she could stay sober. She felt like shit emotionally, physically she felt fine.

During the day she was acting though having Octavia around taking care of her, at night she felt alone in her bed. Sometimes Octavia stayed over, sometimes it was Lexa. Both of them refused to let her be alone, but what she wanted most was to just be alone for a little while.

She was ready to heal. The last 5 years tore her apart. Finn dying, finding out the reason why the car went over the ditch, Clarke having betrayed her trust, finding Lexa on the bathroom floor. What really got her knocked down was when Octavia started dating again. She didn't know why, but every time her friend gushed about Lincoln she felt horrible. She was grieving loosing Finn, Clarke and nearly Lexa. It didn't take long for Octavia and Lincoln to get serious and Raven was scared, she didn't know why she was feeling horrible. She lost so much, but this she couldn't handle. Raven started to withdraw and turned to alcohol. Octavia hasn't said anything about her boyfriend and she was too scared to mentioned him.

"Raven, what do you want to eat?" Octavia asked while walking inside the room.

"Nothing, I feel well, I feel."

"It's okay, don't worry. I'll make you something and you can eat it later. I have to leave in an hour. Lexa will come by after."

"Where do you have to go?"

"Oh I didn't tell you? I have to talk to Bellamy, he is helping Lincoln with something."

"Oh okay." Raven looked away trying to hide the hurt in her eyes. Octavia was still seeing him.

"Raven, are you okay?"

"Yeah sure, don't worry."

"No Raven, what is it?"

"I can't Octavia okay. Just go be with him and be happy. Just leave me alone!" Raven yelled.

"What the hell Rae? What is wrong now?"

"Nothing just go!" Raven got up and pushed Octavia away.

"Stop it Raven" You are acting like a child."

"So what, let me be."

"No not until you tell me what's going on."

"It's nothing. Just leave me alone, I don't want to look at you."

Octavia was shaking her head, she didn't know what was going on with her friend and she was worried. She went back into the kitchen and mad some porridge. Every time she heard noises from the bedroom she wanted to run back in, make Raven talk, but something stopped her.

She knew back then, even after everything Raven was strong, she only started to slip away once Octavia started seeing Lincoln. Lincoln was her rock, he helped her deal with the hurt and anger. She felt guilty leaving Raven behind, but she didn't know what to do any more.

It's been 2 years since her and Lincoln have been together, they stayed friends, but a relationship was not possible. Both of them had issues to work through and now being friends was easier.

The door opened and Lexa walked in stopping in front of her.

"O, what's up?"

"Sorry, Lexa. Raven is a little on edge. She kicked me out of the room."

"I am sorry O, I'll go talk to her."

"It's okay. She is just on edge. I made some food for her. I gotta go see Bellamy and Lincoln."

"Alright, have a good time. If anything happens I'll let you know." Octavia hugged Lexa and left the house. She desperately wanted to go to the other room, but was afraid of what will happen.

Raven walked out of her room once she heard Octavia leave. Lexa was standing in the kitchen drinking some water.

"You have to tell her Raven."

"I know."

"You love her."

"I know."

Raven started to cry, Lexa has known all along about the feelings her friend carried. She held her friend in her arms, not knowing what to say. Lexa has watched Raven pine after Octavia for years, even before everything changed, her two friends always had a special connection. It was finally time to put everything in the past and move forward together.

* * *

Authors note: Thanks for reading. I hope you all enjoy this story so far. I know how I want this story to play out, but writing it is another story. Thanks for reading, let me know what you think.

Thanks to redwrex and delta, hopefully I won't disappoint, the pressure is on now :P


	5. Chapter 5

Clarke was sitting in her room, starring at her phone. She still had some pictures on there from her previous life, happy ones. Her favourite was of Lexa and her. They were lying in the park watching clouds talking about the future. Both fresh out of college not knowing what they want to do.

_5 years ago_

"_What do you think you'll do now Lex?_

"_Hmm not sure honestly. I want to explore the world. You, Clarke?"_

"_I want to see the world too. Let's go together?"_

"_Sure Clarke. Where to first?" Lexa smiled._

"_Japan."_

"_Really? For how long have you been sitting on that."_

"_I don't know, I have always wanted to see it."_

_Lexa and Clarke laughed, they knew neither of them would travel that far, but they have always wanted to go something together, just them._

_They both got up and started to talk to their cards. Clarke had been worried all they long and Lexa knew there was something on her friends mind. She also knew pushing it was never a good idea. Once they reached Clarkes car she stopped and turned around._

_They looked each other in the eyes conveying their hidden feelings._

"_Lexa, you know how I feel about you right? Clarke asked her, leaning forward._

"_I really don't Clarke."_

_She leaned more forward, and whispered in her ear, "I love you." Clarke pulled away and kissed Lexa on the lips. Their kiss was quick and soft, but Lexa melted. She didn't know how to react and just stood there frozen._

"_I have to do something, but I'll see you later okay?" Clarke said and turned around._

_Lexa nodded, but kept starring at her friend. They have kissed before, always intoxicated. This kiss though was filled with unspoken feelings. She didn't know how to handle it and wanted to run. She has been in love with Clarke since the day she met her. This was the start to a new beginning._

Clarke sighed, she remembers everything from the day of the accident. Every mistake she made, the only right thing she did was kissing Lexa.

Lexa got off work and thought about going to Ravens, she knew Octavia would be there and honestly she needed some time for herself. Costia thought she was going over to Ravens anyway, she might as well find some alone time.

She found her way back to the park, the park that holds so many memories for her. They are all good memories, but brought back so much pain. She could see Clarke every where here. Seeing her after 5 years got to her, more then she wanted to admit. Lexa would sit in the park to torture herself, sometimes because of the things she could have done to make Clarke stay, other times because she was so in love and couldn't see what was going on.

In hindsight it was obvious, Clarke and Finn. All the times they disappeared better yet reappeared together. Raven and Finn fighting, pulling away from each other. What no one saw coming was them getting in an accident. The web of lies from them started to fall apart, everyone getting hurt in the process. No one got out of this without harm.

She let herself sink in the grass, starring at the clouds. Now Clarke was back, no one knew for how long, no one spoke to her. Lexa knew she had to stay away, for herself and her relationship, but she couldn't. She needed to know what happened.

Lexa took out her phone, dialling the number she used to call when she was a teenager, Clarke's home number.

"Hello?"

"Clarke?"

"Lexa?"

"Yes, can we talk?"

"Of course, when?"

"Now?"

"Sure, where?"

"The park."

"Okay, I'll be there in a few."

Lexa heard the reply and hung up the phone. Her heart was racing, her palms sweating. She wanted to run. _What the fuck was I thinking?_

Raven and Octavia were sitting on the couch watching some silly movie, laughing together, enjoying their time together.

The last few days things have been strained between them. Raven was still hurt and trying to ignore the jealousy, but she couldn't help smiling her friend did everything to spend time with her.

"Rae, can I ask you something?"

"Sure?"

"Did I do something wrong?"

"What, no of course not."

"Then why do you keep pulling away?" Octavia asked motioning between them. They used to nearly be on top of each other watching TV, granted that was 5 years ago, but still now a whole person could sit between them

"I am sorry, I just, I need time."

"For what?"

"For myself I guess. This is all weird. We barley spoke the last few years, and now Lexa and you won't leave me alone."

"We are just worried about you."

"I know, but soon I'll be working again. I need to move on. I have been stuck the last 5 years, I have to move on O."

"And I am so proud of you, for working on yourself, but please don't push me away again."

"I can't O. We are friends, of course we are. I just went through too much shit."

"Then tell me Rae. You never speak to me about it."

"I can't it's hard."

"I know, but you need to open up."

"I know." Raven wanted to say more, but she couldn't. The only thing she could do was move closer to Octavia and rest her head on her shoulder.

Speaking about the pain she went through was hard, but maybe she could show how she feels through physical contact.

Clarke was sitting in her car, tapping her fingers against the wheel. The second Lexa called her, she dropped everything. Something must be wrong, none of her friends have reached out since she has gotten back, not like Clarke thought they would. Out of all the people to reach out it was Lexa, and the place to meet, their place, the park.

Clarke got out of her car, trying to swallow down her nerves. Every bone in her body felt exhausted , scared and nervous. Whatever happens next, will define her future.

She slowly walked up the narrow path, to the small open space her and Lexa always sat on, surrounded by trees with a clear view of the sky. Where so many times they poured they hearts out to one another. She spotted the brunette sitting in the middle of the patch, starring at nothing in front of her.

_Now or never._

Clarke walked up to Lexa and sat down beside her.

"Lexa."

"Clarke."

"Thanks for call..."

"Don't. It wasn't a good idea." Lexa interrupted and got up.

Clarke reached out trying to reach her arm.

"Don't touch me Clarke."

"Sorry, Lexa. Please just listen to me, 1 minute." Clarke pleaded, hurt showing her in eyes.

The brunette seemed to have a battle within herself, she wanted to know what Clarke had said, but it was too hard to see her. Before she could keep going Clarke started talking.

"I know I messed up, I didn't just mess up, the accident happened because of me. I wanted to do the right thing, but Finn, he just wouldn't let me."

Hearing the boys name, made Lexa feel sick. She felt her stomach cramping up, her colour draining out of her face. Lexa didn't think hearing his name from the blondes lips would still make her feel this way.

"I don't want to hear it. I can't."

"Please listen, I couldn't do it any more. I broke it off with him. I didn't want him. I hated him. I resented him and myself for what we were doing. I knew Raven was dating someone, but not who. I met Finn, I was upset and we ended up in bed together. It didn't mean anything. Once I found out Raven was dating him, I told him it had to stop. It did."

"Please Clarke, stop."

"No Lexa you need to hear this. He never told me he was dating. Once I knew I stopped it."

"So what! You were in the car with him."

"Yes, we were arguing, I wanted to tell Raven what we did. He didn't. We argued and fought, he lost control of the car. I couldn't live with myself any more. I knew once I kissed you, I had to be with you. I love you Lexa."

"No, you never did, you slept with him."

"I know I did, but I couldn't face my feelings for you. I tried to distract myself, but you were always on my mind."

Clarke said crying, Lexa just stared at her not saying a word.

"I broke everything. I want to mend things. I want to move on. Please say something Lexa." She begged.

"It's been 5 fucking years Clarke. 5 years of pain and agony. How do you think I felt huh. You kiss me tell me you love me and then run off to be with Finn in an accident." Lexa yelled.

"I was meeting him to tell him we had to come clean."

"It doesn't matter. You should have told us, the second you knew who Finn was. Not hiding it from us, from Raven. Me"

"I was scared, I fucked up. I didn't know how to be honest."

"Simple Clarke you just come out and fucking say it. I am done, I heard your story and now you won't see my any more. I hope you got some kinda satisfaction out of this and leave us alone."

"Lexa please. Don't leave like this."

"What did you expect? That I'd forgive and forget?"

"No, but that... I don't even know."

"Have a good life Clarke." Lexa said walking away.

Clarke watched her leave, a loud cry erupted from her throat. She really has lost everything. The one person she always had in her corner, walked away from her, just like she did 5 year ago.

Lexa kept her head held high, until she knew that she was out of the sight from the blonde. Her knees gave in and she collapsed on the grass. Seeing Clarke, hearing her, it was too much. She hated Clarke, she never wanted to see her again. Clarke broke her, she never got over it.

She put her hand on her chest.

_I love you Clarke._

* * *

Authors note: So what did you think? Some more insight I hope and hopefully you enjoyed the chapter, Thanks for reading :) I did play with the idea of memory loss, but took a different road since I need Clarke to remember what did happen.


	6. Chapter 6

Costia has been calling Lexa for awhile now, but all her calls and texts where ignored. She even tried Octavia to see if she was still there, but Lexa left a while ago. She was worried, her girlfriend never just disappeared but things have been different since Clarke showed up.

She was angry, everyone was keeping something from her, she didn't know the whole story and she was sick of it. Costia wanted to spend her life with Lexa, but currently it all seems so complicated, she wanted to run and hide.

After a few hours, the door opened, Costia jumped up from the couch seeing Lexa stumble in, drunk.

"Lexa? Where have you been? I have been worried about you?"

"Hey baby, sorry. I was busy and then had some drinks."

"I can see that. Busy with what?"

"Uh, I was with Octavia."

"Bullshit. I called her, she said you left."

"Come on Costia, I don't want to do this now."

"Seriously? You just lied and just brushed it off like it's nothing. What is going on babe?"

"I don't even know Cos. I am tired, it's all been too much, with Raven stuff."

"I get it hon. But please don't lie to me, don't make me look like a fool."

"You aren't a fool. I am sorry I lied. I just can't speak about it."

"Is it about Clarke?"

"Yes." Lexa breathed and closed her eyes.

Costia didn't need to know more, she hugged Lexa, kissed her cheek and turned around to go to their bedroom. She couldn't look at Lexa now, first she ignores her, lies, is drunk and something happened with Clarke. She didn't need to know more, she couldn't.

* * *

Clarke was sitting in her room, lights turned of starring into oblivion. Seeing Lexa, trying to explain and hearing what she had to say was too much for her. She mentally kicked herself for thinking the conversation was going to be better. Clarke should have known, Lexa hated her. They all hated her.

Meeting Finn back then was such a rush, she was hiding her feelings for Lexa and thought being with Finn would 'fix' her, there wasn't anything to fix. She should have followed her heart and not her mind. Being with the boy felt wrong, nothing felt right about him. She didn't care that he would randomly leave or say mean things to her. Clarke felt like she deserved that, being treated like dirt, because that is how she felt.

Raven kept going on about some guy she has been seeing, it didn't even cross her mind that this was 'her' Finn. When Raven finally got them all to meet the boy of her dreams, Clarke nearly passed out. In front of her was Finn, the guy she has been sleeping with, the guy she has been hiding from her friends, the guy who was a dirt bag. She wanted to yell and smack him, but he pretended like he didn't know her and she was stumped not able to utter a word.

The next day she met up with him, telling him this cannot happen again and they need to come clean to Raven. He yelled at her and told her to shut up. Throwing every bad thing she thought about herself into her face. Threatening her with pictures and videos, showing them to the world. She was a Med student at the time and couldn't have her career compromised. So she went along with him. Pretending they didn't know each other. In the start it worked, no one knew any better.

After a few weeks of charades she had enough, she wanted Lexa, she was ready to admit this. They met in the park and after the kiss, she knew this was it. She had to come clean to every one, no matter the aftermath. She went to his place, telling him he can do whatever with the pictures and videos, she didn't care, she was going to tell Raven. Clarke knew he must have been cheating on Raven even after they stopped, that is just what kind of guy he was.

Clarke wanted to be free of the lies, not just about Finn, but about her too. He played along, saying they will tell Raven together, but that was a lie. Once they were in the car, he told her she wouldn't get out of it alive if she told anyone. It scared her, but she was done being scared. They started fighting over the wheel, yelling at each other. This is when it happened, they missed the red light and crashed with another car from the left. It impacted on the driver side, everything went dark.

The next thing Clarke remembers is waking up in the hospital pain surging through her body. Next to her was Lexa holding her hand, looking at her worried and happy the blonde was awake. The next was when everything fell apart. Raven was heartbroken, Finn was dead, he didn't make it. One on side Clarke was devastated, on the other she was relieved, no one needed to know.

While the four friends where sitting in Clarkes hospital room, Raven checked her phone only to see pictures and videos she couldn't believe. Finn made sure Raven would know what her friend was doing behind her back. She got up and threw her phone at Clarke, who just looked at it in disbelieve. The other two women had no idea what was going on, until Raven started to yell, Octavia taking the phone into her hands and looking at it.

This was it, the last time all four of them where together. After that Clarke was alone in the hospital for weeks. None of her friends came to see her, she didn't blame them. Once she was finally discharged, Clarke decided to leave. She couldn't be there any more. At first she tried to reach out to them, but they never replied. During the accident her hand got crushed and her dream of being a surgeon like her mother shattered. Everything around her was destroyed and she could only blame herself.

Now she is back home, trying to fix her friendship, win the girl she loves back, but it all seems impossible.

* * *

Octavia and Bellamy were sitting together at his place, having their weekly dinner. Their relationship has been strained over the last few years, but they still tried to meet up and hang out. 5 years ago, Bellamy tried to protect Clarke, tired to make the others see there was more to the story, but they didn't care. Eventually he did take his sisters side, but he knew there was more. After Clarke left there were so many questions with no answers. Everyone mixed together their own story without the full picture. He knew the blonde wasn't a bad person, hell she was the kindest person he know. Clarke just got caught up in something, she couldn't get out.

"Have you talked to her yet?"

"Who?"

"Clarke, who else." Bellamy said, he knew brining up the blonde wasn't a good idea, but they had to get over it.

"No I haven't. I thought about it, but with Raven it's not the right time."

"It never is O. She is back now, now you can ask your questions."

"I don't need to ask any more. I know what happened."

"No you don't! You and everyone else just closed their eyes. Clarke was a mess before the car accident."

"So what, she could have talked to us. We would have listened."

"Really? I doubt it O."

"Stop being on her side. You are my brother, you saw what she did."

"I saw the pictures, but I don't think they were voluntary. You know this."

"No I fucking don't. She fucked Ravens boyfriend, told Lexa she loves her and then ends up in a car with the guy, where he dies."

"You are so stubborn O. Do you really think Clarke had a choice?`You said it yourself, she told Lexa she loves her. She always has, even when she was hiding it from everyone."

"Stop it Bellamy. I am done talking about Clarke."

Octavia got up from the table and walked onto the balcony. She took a deep breath, she knew Bellamy was right on some level, but she couldn't betray her firneds. She took Ravens and Lexas side, but never listened to Clarke or tried to reach out. She was contempt with loosing her best friend.

Bellamy got up next to her, he didn't say anything. They just enjoyed a few minutes of silence taking in every feeling they were having.

"I will call her O. I need to know, Finn was my best friend. I need to know what happened."

"I know."

* * *

When Clarke met all her friends, Bellamy was a package deal. Wherever Octavia went he came too, he was the older, but not cooler brother. He was protective and always thinking in one straight line, he didn't accept anything but his way. The more he hung out with his sister and her 'loud friends' as he called them, he realized his way wasn't the only way.

He saw Clarke as this girl that needed protection, but she really didn't. She was strong and fought for her beliefs and her friends. At one point he started to develop more deeper feelings for her, even tried to ask her out, but Clarke made it clear she wasn't interested. He took it well and appreciated her honesty. In the end he became some kind of confidante for her, apparently just not enough.

Bellamy watched his sister fall apart and her friends loosing their way. Octavia was someone who always wanted to make everyone laugh, once she couldn't she felt isolated and lost. She withdrew from everything. Lincoln seemed like he helped, but it didn't last. Bellamy felt like a failure, he couldn't protect his little sister or her friends. He lost his best friend, who turned out to be a monster.

He was playing with his phone deciding if he should call the blonde. When he saw her not too long ago, it felt like he couldn't breathe. His anger and hurt was bubbling to the surface, but he saw how broken the girl looked like and his brotherly instincts kicked in. Now he was going to confront her, to know the whole truth.

After what felt like hours of deciding he got in his car and drove up to the Griffin house. He thought calling her, would make her say no, figured showing up would be better. Bellamy also knew she wanted to reach out, she wasn't hiding any more.

Sitting in the car he looked at the house, he remembers dropping the girls of there, or picking them. Dragging a drunk Clarke once into the house, not being caught by Ms. Griffin. So many memories, all good and fun ones.

He walked up to the house, knocking at the door. This has to happened, he has to know.

It took a few minutes before the door opened, Clarkes face shocked.

"Bellamy?"

"Hey Clarke. Can we talk?"

"Uh sure, come in."

They walked into the house to the kitchen.

"Do you want some coffee?"

"You got anything stronger?"

"Sure." Clarke said and grabbed the bottle of whiskey her mother had.

She poured to glasses and handed him one over. He nodded in acknowledgement and took a big sip, refilling the glass.

"I need to know Clarke. What happened in the car?"

"Please Bell. Let's not talk about this."

"No Clarke, I need to know. I need to know what happened. No one knows the whole story, there has to be more."

"Of course there is, but what is the point? It won't change anything."

"You don't know that Clarke. Please tell me everything." Bellamy pleaded grabbing Clarkes hand.

She looked at him, tears in her eyes. Starting to recall every moment leading up to waking up in the hospital.

The more she talked about it, the more angry Bellamy he got. Once she got to being in the hospital with her friends seeing the pictures, he had tears in his eyes. He was angry, sad all these emotions he couldn't deal with.

"Why leave Clarke? Why not explain?"

"I tried Bell, but they wouldn't listen. I didn't blame them. I had to get away and do physical therapy. Deal with my own pain, my own loss."

"I get that Clarke, but 5 years?"

"I was scared, I didn't know what to do. They hate me, you know this."

"They don't know the whole story. If they knew, they'd understand."

"They wouldn't. I tried. Raven closed the door in my face. Octavia didn't even see me. Lexa, she walked away. I told her and she left me."

"Wait what? You spoke with Lexa?"

"I did, it didn't go well."

"Clarke, things have been different since you got back. Better. You need to try again."

"I am scared."

Bellamy got up and took the blonde in his arms.

"It will be okay, I promise."

* * *

Authors note: Thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought about this chapter :)


	7. Chapter 7

Falling in love, what does that even. Lexa could sing a tale of it, she has been in love with the same girl since she can remember. Since they met, but the world is cruel and they could never be together. She was just 10 years old when she met Clarke, and even then she could tell that she didn't just have regular friends feelings. It took a few years but eventually she figured it out. No matter where Clarke was, what she did. Lexa was always by her side.

In high school Lexa knew she was only into women, she had no interest in the boys, they all just seemed like idiots and not worth her time. Clarke on the other hand did go on a few dates with boys and it drove Lexa crazy. She didn't understand why, she couldn't accept Clarke was into boys. Lexa wanted to make Clarke jealous and started dating women, older ones, since the ones at school were not impress worthy. She knew what she was doing wrong, but it also felt so good.

Clarke always supported Lexa, even with some arguments. In the end at college Lexa stopped trying to hdie her feelings, she wanted to tell Clarke, she had to tell her. Her and her firneds would go to parties and drink, everyone drinking away some feelings. What Lexa never expected was one night when Clarke got extremly close to her, that she kissed her. They shared a drunken kiss, it was rough and needy. Lexa was on cloud nine, but Clarke pushed her away slightly and apologized said the alcohol was getting to her and left.

In hindsight this is where it started to go bad, Lexa was confused as to why Clarke kissed her, and Clarke pushed her away, running off god knows where. Obviously back then it was to Finn, but no one knew. Everyone in their friend group knew something was up, but Lexa brushed it away, she was convinced it was Clarke just being upset and ashamed for being with other people.

Lexa wanted to be Clarkes one and only, and when she finally heard the world 'I love you' it felt like her world was complete. She was excited and the future she had created in her mind over all these years was finally a possibility.

The world had a different idea though. The car accident ruined everything. She knew how she acted back then was like a teenager, but she didn't know how to deal with it. She never saw all the pictures and videos. Only a few, those made her feel sick. Clarkes eyes looking up, she thought at this point it was joy and want, when now she knows it was fear. Seeing Clarke again and hearing her part of the story made her want to kill Finn herself. How could he do this, force Clarke? Did he force her? Or just the pictures? Either way it was not okay and she knew that.

Costia had been pulling away from her and she didn't blame her. She had been acting like an idiot, drinking, coming home and just fucking her girlfriend. There were no feelings, just need to feel something.

She wondered how long her girlfriend would take this from her, Lexa guessed not long and wanted to do something nice and apologize.

* * *

Raven was back at work. She was scared but it was time to move on. She had to figure out her life, it was finally time. She hadn't had a drink in awhile and felt good about it. There were days where she craved a single drop, but she had learned through AA that this doesn't work. She couldn't drink regulary, she didn't know how to stop once she started. The only way to stop was to not have that first drink.

She had a lot on her mind, but there was one thing she needed to clear up now or she was gonna loose it, Octavia. They already agreed to have dinner tonight, and she was finally going to come clean.

After work she was at home, cleaning her place. Raven didn't have to do much since Lexa and Octavia have been cleaning, both of them outraged at how messy her palce was. What can you say, thats just how your place looks like when you can't do anything because you are drunk.

Her nerves were getting the best of her and she wanted to cancel seeing Octavia. With the phone in her hand she looked at the last message.

'I am on my way, just picking up take out :P'

Raven smiled, no, now it was time.

Octavia let herself into the appartment, it was easier for her and Lexa to have a key incase Raven didn't open the door, or worse couldn't.

"Heyo Rae"

"Heyo? Really, since when do you use that O?"

"Sorry, just came out. I bring gifts, chinese."

Octavia set down the food on the table and smiled at Raven.

"Chinese my favourit." Raven smiled back and opened the bags.

Both of them got comforatble on the couch and put on some movie, just some random stuff to keep the conversation light. Their conversations have been light, both trying their hardest to not make it awkward or difficult.

"O, I need to talk to you. I need you to be quiet and wait until I am finished, or I will never get this off my chest." Raven said starring at her food, not daring to look at her friend.

Octavia took Raven's hand in her and with sofest voice she could muster said, "You can tell me anything Raven. I will always be there for..."

Their lips connected, at first fleeting then with need and greed. They explored each others mouths only taking a break to breathe.

"Oh god, I am so sorry O. I, I wanted to talk, instead..."

Raven couldn't even finish her sentence, Octavia pulled her back into a kiss.

"Don't push me away Rae. I want this, with you." She took Raven's hand in her own and placed it on her chest.

"Feel how you make my heart beat? I didn't realize it until I lost you."

* * *

It has been a long night at the Restaurant, Costia was standing infront of her house. She didn't want to go inside. Lexa wasn't the same anymore. She wanted the soft side back, not this broken side who only uses her body. Honestly she had enough, either Lexa lets her help her, or it was done. She wasn't going to lie that the first few times they had rough sex she enjoyed it, but she didn't realize that her girlfriend was trying to fill some kind of void.

A void that she managed to close, but Clarke ripped open again. She only heard a few things how Lexa was after Clarke disappeared and Finn died. She knew about the suicide attempt, but Lexa never spoke of it. Who could blame her. There was one person she could blame, and that was Cklare fucking Griffin.

Instead of going up the stairs she turned around got back into her car and drove towards the Griffin house.

It was 2 am, the streets empty but she didn't care. She shmashed her car door close and walked up to the impressive house. The lights were off, but she didn't care. She rang the doorbell like a storm. Within seconds the house was lighting up from the second floor to the ground floor. Someone rushing down the stairs, but she didn't stop.

The door flew open and infront of her was the woman she hated the most.

"Are you insande? It is in the middle of the night." Clarke yelled furiously.

"I don't care. Do you even know who I am?"

Clarke looked the woman up and down, how could she forget the woman who is with Lexa.

"I do, you are Lexa's girlfriend."

"Correct, and as her girlfriend I need to know. What is it between you two? How dare you come back and ruin everything?"

"First I didn't come back to ruin anything. Second if Lexa hasn't told you, why should I?"

"Because she is my girlfriend! I stood with her when she cried, smiled. When she had ups and downs. I want to marry that woman, but now you are back and she is acting like a spoiled child."

"I don't owe you anything. I only owe Lexa something, but not you. So get away from my house now."

Clarke closed the front door and walked back inside. Costia was standing outside outraged how this woman was acting. Didn't she realize she makes everything bad. Wherever she goes only chaos follows.

She got back into her car and drove home, walking up the stairs opening her door.

In the living room she could see Lexa set up dinner for them. It was cold, no wonder she should have been back two hours ago. She walked into the bedroom to see Lexa sleeping on her side.

Quickly she changed and crawled under the blankets, holding her girlfriend from the back.

* * *

Authors note: Thanks for being patient with me. It has been a year and I really want to finish this story soon. Sorry for any mistakes


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